


Building Immunity (still suffering from symptoms)

by BestOfOne



Series: seeing the past in you [2]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Coincidences, Idiots in Love, Idiots still in confusion, Insecurity, M/M, Running Away, Self-Doubt, Time Skips, one very big coincidence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:20:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24515266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BestOfOne/pseuds/BestOfOne
Summary: a peek into Danse’s time away to ‘fix himself’.Yeah, maybe it’s a little unreasonable to leave without a goodbye. Maybe he’s a little selfish for wanting to fix himself, but he can’t be a risk. Not anymore, especially when he has too much to lose.(A mini-sequel to “seeing the past in you”)
Relationships: Paladin Danse/Male Sole Survivor, Robert Joseph MacCready & Male Sole Survivor
Series: seeing the past in you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778119
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Building Immunity (still suffering from symptoms)

**Author's Note:**

> Italics aren’t used here as a ‘flashback’ type deal, but rather a change of character perspective. So Danse is the regular font, while Nate’s POV is in italics.

His first week is tough, and he spends the first few days trying to get far away. Danse knows that Nate is probably going to be on bed rest for about half a week, giving him plenty of time. He leaves the Castle with a plan forming in his head. Get far enough from any settlement Nate has established (easier said than done, they're everywhere). All the while scrounging up whatever he can find to sustain himself. 

Being given a chance, he changes into the first pair of clothes he can get his hands on, depositing his flight suit in some old chest. He makes it to the ruins of University Point, and avoids what looks like a checkpoint with synth guards. He circles around like this, finding refuge in various ruins and abandoned houses.

During his third week he finds a surgical mask that covers most of his face. Some sunglasses and a baseball cap complete the look. He's able to trade with small caravans without them outright recognizing him. He knows Nate has begun the hunt for him, and he hurts. He can't come back yet, not until he fixes himself. _Until he makes peace with it._

At some point he manages to establish little hideouts to revisit and stay in. One being near Sunshine Tidings Co-op, a little too close for his liking. Some piece of Danse's head whispers that he wants Nate to find him. It's too good to last, as one moment he's sleeping, the next, a settler is looking in his direction from over the walls Nate set up long ago. He doesn't go back to it, can't risk it. 

On the fourth month, Danse finds himself sleeping in a building in the city. The rain started pouring, and a rad-storm chose just then to blow in. He was already cold enough, and decided he might as well find some place to stay. He was far from any of his hideouts and traveling would only put him at risk for an ambush. No one would find him if he hunkered down here. 

_Nate, being ever the sad idiot, was walking around at this time of day. At night. In the rain and stupid rad-storm that snuck up on him like a radscorpion. Left MacCready nursing a nice soon-to-be hangover in Goodneighbor, because he felt like a burden. Couldn't be happy, even when being told the news that Duncan was on his way here!_

_He was feeling better, less exhausted so he grabbed Mac and travelled to Goodneighbor. As soon as they walked in, Daisy flagged them down. She had told him the news and he was so happy they decided to get drinks. Whilst MacCready wasn't holding back, Nate knew if he had too much, his thoughts would start spilling out of his mouth. So while the whole bar had a party, he snuck away to clear his head._

_It wasn't long before his shitty luck made him run into a building to hide from some mutants and the weather. He wasn't in a good state to handle any of it, and he didn't want to die. Not when Danse was still away._

It took Danse a couple of seconds to blink the sleep out of his eyes, the moment heard the deafening screech of the door opening. He was hidden away in a hole in a wall. He managed to cover it with a sheet of fallen roof. If someone decided to come in, he wasn't in the position to sneak away. So he clutched his gun to his chest and slowed his breathing. 

_"Why, oh why did I come here?" If he was stuck here, MacCready wouldn't hesitate to find and shoot him twice. One for making him leave a bar, and two for having to look for him._

_Probably give him a speech about him being reckless and idiotic. "Just because Danse isn't here to watch your a- you, doesn't mean you can go and get yourself killed."_

_Heard it a million times, still didn't want to hear it. They all thought he’d be okay by now. But he's still chasing ghosts, still hopes to wake up and see Danse waiting. He even impulsively leaves his house door unlocked just in case he couldn’t wait. Yeah, he knows he sounds pathetic, but he can’t bring himself to care._

The building was an office building, crumbling and dirty. Danse could hear practically every step taken by whoever decided to come in. Located on the second floor, he listened as the person made its way around the rubble. He could tell that they were human-esque, as he heard mumbling as they went along. 

_"Should have stayed at the bar," he sighed._

_The building he ran into was creepy, creaking and groaning as if still settling after all these years. The metal and dirt crunched underfoot as he made his way up. Best to be far away from the door if the Super Mutants found their way in._

Using a little rusted hole in the wall as a peephole, Danse glances around the dimly lit room. Appearing to be a bullpen of sorts, desks scattered around, some stable and others falling through the floor. A flash of bright blue near the stairs made him duck in fear of being seen. The hole wasn't enough to give him away, about an inch by inch, but he was still scared. He hoped the metal blocking his way into the crawl space held. 

_"I'll wait here a little longer then," what? What's next? Ask the Super Mutants outside to let him leave? Tell the sky to stop raining? While he’s at it, he might as well yell for Danse to come back to him._

_When did he turn so pessimistic? "I'll either fight my way back, or —" die._

The voice became a little more clear, still being mumbled, but it's closer. Perhaps they're edging around the room? 

Danse couldn't tell, because the footsteps started to echo. The constant creaking in the background did little to help pinpoint the source.

_Nate stopped walking around to sit below a window. He could see a sliver of the sky and a few buildings . The stars shone like any other night, and he wishes he could go back in time to savor what he had._

_"You didn't leave because of me, did you?" Four months and Nate still can't help but doubt. Maybe it was his fault, Danse didn't want to take care of Nate. Didn't want to be there when Nate finally managed to die._

_"I'm sorry for being reckless all the time, for not caring enough about myself, whatever. If I'm better, will you come back then?"_

He hears it as clear as a bell. Danse doesn't understand how that voice could slip so easily past his ears without him registering it. What are the chances Nate found his way into the building he's staying in? 

For a moment he goes through a whole though process. Did Nate see him? Come to corner him? Convince him to come back? 

Then he starts listening again, because maybe there's such a thing as coincidence. 

_"They're all worried. Believe it or not. At first I could tell they didn't like you, but now they worry."_

_What's he doing? Ranting into the abyss? Some raider is probably getting the surprise of their life, waking up to him drone on about his woes._

_"Piper tells me that I should be hopeful. MacCready tells me I should focus more on my aim. Preston gave me a break from helping settlements."_

_The rain trails on the window, like those old movies that he'd see with Nora on their dates. She likes those movies, liked the weather, liked everything. She even managed to love him, and he knew he was tough around the edges. But she isn't here to soothe his worries._

_"I worry too."_

Danse isn’t tensing to prepare for a fight, but rather to keep from kicking away at the sheet of metal. The voice is coming from the direction of the only window on the floor. Can't see it directly because the desks block it, but if he could, his resolve wouldn't be as strong. 

Nate sounds so tired. Like all those times he'd wake at sunrise just to get a head start on work. Whenever they'd have to venture across the Commonwealth just to get something. His conscience is telling him to just go to him, to reassure him. He's not the reason he left. Not completely. Danse is the one who's wrong, needed to fix himself before he got someone hurt. 

_"I just want you back. You're one of the people that kept me going, and if I lose you, I feel like I'll lose myself."_

_Maybe it's the small amount of alcohol he'd consumed before he left to brood. Maybe it's the stars that remind him of all the times they'd been forced to sleep in the open. But he can't bring himself to stop. It just pours out, and before he knows it, it's been an hour and he's sleepy. He's slept in worse places, and doesn't want to move._

_He'll just face MacCready's wrath in the morning._

Danse listens to Nate for what seems like forever. He thinks briefly that he'll be stuck behind this wall for a long while. Then just as it starts, it stops. His words began to shake and slur, before trailing off into silence. 

He waits a little longer to confirm, hears a small snore coming from across the room. It's a good sign, as when Nate is really tired he tends to snore. That, and sleeps like the dead. Always in a constant struggle of never sleeping and not waking for weeks. He can probably sneak away now. But leave him? Exposed to whatever chased him here? 

_Nate wakes up to a lumpy mattress, the smell of mildew mixed with dust, and his clothes sticking to him- still slightly wet from the rain last night. MacCready greets him from the sofa in the corner of the room. He's grumpy and thoughtful, otherwise he wouldn't be cleaning his gun so thoroughly. Like D—_

_"Where am I?" His eyes are itchy like he cried a little to much and hasn’t had water in a month. The brightness of the room isn’t helping._

_"You’re that confused? You had like, two drinks. But I guess I’ll play nice. We're at the Hotel Rexford and you have some explaining to do."_

_Like a misbehaving kid, he tells Mac what he went up to last night, leaving Goodneighbor, running. How he fell asleep in some building and doesn't remember coming back. Mac sighs disappointedly at him, wiping a hand over his face like a troubled parent._

_"At least you're alive," he finishes._

_They’re silent for a moment before Nate gets up, heading for his pack. He changes, and tells Mac he’s heading out to trade some stuff and they can head back. As he exits, he completely misses the look of utter conflict on Mac’s face._

_He can't tell Nate. Can't bring himself to say 'I saw your buddy. He delivered you back himself.' He knows if he did, Nate would kill him for not waking him up. For making sure Danse stayed put so he could see him again. But he knows what it's like to be unsure of yourself, to not know what to do._

A foolish mistake to carry him to Goodneighbor. So many witnesses, and they’ll both be lucky if they aren’t sick after Danse carried Nate in the dying storm. But that was a worry for later. When he walked into the hotel to lay Nate there, MacCready was already there. 

"You sure he didn't check in? Didn't stumble around you or anything?" 

"Yes, I'm sure! I may be old, but not blind!" Clair fumed at MacCready, who looked like he was still considering asking again to make sure. 

He considered literally throwing Nate onto the couch in the lobby and bolting, but he cleared his throat instead. Mac turned so fast he almost fell, and Danse could see he was also slightly intoxicated. 

"What the hell are you doing here, tin can? We thought you died," listening to Nate speak for hours, how he missed him and blaming himself, Danse thought he did too. 

"I found him, thought you might want him back," Mac's face sobered almost immediately when he did finally take in Nate's limp and slightly damp form. 

"Is he injured? Sleeping?" 

"Sleeping." 

MacCready manages to charm his way into getting a room charge-free, and Danse carries Nate to it. All the while nothing is shared between the two conscious men. It's not until he's about to leave again that MacCready speaks to him. 

"He misses you, you know," his face is reluctant, as if he's telling a dark secret. "Missed you to the point of exhaustion." 

What was he to say? 'I'm sorry I've caused this much trouble'? Or perhaps 'it's better this way'. Both were bullshit answers, even he knew. 

"It's mutual," lingering in the doorway like some spirit, "but you have to understand. I can't help him if I can't help myself." 

MacCready nods because he does understand. After losing Lucy, he tried so hard to be a good dad for Duncan. To not let himself slip into that state of limbo. Uncertainty in everything, to not know who you were. 

"Please, until I can– I'll come back when I feel I am fit for him. When I know I can watch over him without putting him in danger. Don't tell him you saw me. Don't tell him I was here." 

And just like that, Danse leaves again. This time it's harder to do so. Now he knows Nate still hurts, still wastes time thinking and worrying about Danse. But maybe that's all the more reason to stay away. He wasn't good for Nate then, and he's not good now. 

Maybe he never will be.

**Author's Note:**

> Does this fit that one trope where both sides think they’re undeserving of each other but really they deserve the world and more? I don’t know. Stay tuned folks, there’s more after the break.
> 
> Side note, this hasn’t been looked over by another pair of eyes other than my own. I apologize for any mistakes.


End file.
